Stretching Life

Well I thought long and hard about this but sex isn't everything right? After a while i started thinking like a rapist, every opportunity I find with a girl I just think that i should fuck. You know, like stick the pen in the cherry pie or like stick your slug in the car's exhaust pipe. The reason why i use those terms is because the penis is going a long way down, therefore the woman's hole starts to suck it in and when the hole starts the engine all this petrol or shall I say Spunk spits out and its all over the place..
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Anyway forget the fucking business.. You stretch life right?

First you start out as a baby where everyone thinks your cute and stuff.

Then you get uglier, yeah you do like cheese growing mold. When you hit teenage life its where you have the most mold on your face for most people. Some people have good skin and dont get shitty spots and wash their face with some good ass shit.

Then you get older, your penis increases in a new length. This is because it is ready be shoved so far up a hole that it ends up on the other side, its a good thing for men, i mean you don't want a small worm OR then you will have to get a penis stretcher from ebay!

A black guy told me when he spunked his girl friend thought her biro was leaking..was horrible..ewww

That was awful its because he didn't let his penis grow, he ate sweetcorn and never let the nutrients flourish to his balls.

When we grow older we get experience more and more, trust me i've taken my raping skills to a new level, If i see an opportunity with a girl I do a Michael Jackson and drop my nose so im able to smell her pussy.

Trust me we all learn!!!!

I was in a strip club down in london and erm it was breath taking my first time and it was amazing! They had shaved pussies instead of afros! There was this one girl who took me to the back room and she showed me her body like it was the statue of liberty. Now i know americans get very horny but she was no american, this bitch was CRAZY!! Amazing! and she told me to rub her shaved bush and i was hoping for a fuck and it came!! she went on top of me and she licked me and took my trousers off.

And on my dick, i came prepared yes! IT was special, No condom. I put onion rings on my dick and yes she liked it with my home made sour cream! IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN LOL!!

But yeah she liked it, see you have to be creative with girls and suprise them and shit, she expected nothing on my dick and you probably thought I had a condom but NO i had some onion rings! Thanks Tescos! Every little helps! :P especially those onion rings haha

I kinda liked the way she told me I was different! And yes i was.. I smashed one right in her eye and she loved my cheese. It was like I set my own mouse trap.


But anyway, I thought that maybe sex was one thing but what is love?

Love is when you tell someone you love them right?

Heres my story of love.


Slag: Hi Wankie baby
ME: Yeah Hi I love you
Slag: Really?
Slag 2: YEAH REALLY? I FUCKED HIM LAST NIGHT AND HE SAID IT TO ME TOO!
Slag: What? WANKS WHAT IS GOING ON?! WHAT THE FUCK YOU JERK!!
ME: Look slag, I love you come meet me after school for ice cream

AFTER SCHOOL

Slag: Hi
ME: Heres your ice cream, SUCK MY DICK BITCH
Slag: oh my god Wanker you are so fucking unbelievable. I LIKE VANILLA YOU IDIOT
ME: Sorry let me stick it in you here, ahh yeah here we go
Slag: AHH UHH YEAH *Sex Moans and Screams*
Slag: Tell me you love me
ME: I LOVE YOU OH BABY!!
Slag: Oh how much do I OWE YOU FOR THIS ICE CREAM
ME: Dont worry bitch i'll give you £50 after this fuck besides its a way of saying thanks..

And she thought I was telling her she was a prostitute, but hey she took my ice cream LOL so in the end she turned out as one.


After my educational years I went to get a job being a hired stripper, one guy told me not to take off my pants because once all the girls see my dick theres going to be one gay dressed up as a woman and he'll take a photo and compare his dick to yours and make out hes straight!

So I vowed not to take off my boxers...

On my first night the girls were screaming because I had bigger tits than them but I showed them that its all about eating KFC. After I gave them a show I got fired because apparently I was a bad dancer! My dick was bigger than the pole and i couldn't swing! But I told my manager that my dick thought he was fighting Mike Tyson in a fucking Elevator, so im glad i saved my dick and my life!

Well thats the end motha fuckaz